Heavenly Humor
 There's a new face cream for people over 40. It makes them look younger by giving them acne.

2 People may doubt what you say, but they will always believe what you do.

3 Adolescence is that period when many children feel that their parents should be told the facts of life.

4 Aerobic workouts aren't a new invention. Back on the farm, they call them chores.


5 An amazing fact: When you lend people money, it gives them amnesia.

 6 An apple a day will keep the doctor away-assuming, of course that it hasn't been grown in chemical soil, sprayed with pesticides, and then covered with wax.

7 Q: What is the difference between apathy and ignorance?

    A: I don't know, and I don't care.

8 Ancient fishing villages used to barter with fish instead of using money. They were the first to use credit cods.

9 The best way to keep people from reading between the lines is to wear a lot of makeup.

10 Donation giver: "It must be dreadful to be lame. But it could be worse. Think of what it would be like if you were blind."

Beggar: "You're right. When I was blind, I was given many counterfeit bills and fake coins."


The Funniest Jokes Of All Time?

A 2010 study carried out in Britain by OnePoll.com came up with a list of the 50 funniest jokes of all time (according to the Brits). These are the ones that made the top ten (in reverse order)...

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Beer please, and one for the road."

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing [the Tom Jones song] 'Green Green Grass of Home'". He said, "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome"'. "Is it common?", I asked. "It's not unusual", he replied. (To 'get' this one, you need to know that 'It's not unusual' is another Tom Jones song.)

7. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, get married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was great.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one,... and let the other one off.

 5. I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde screams at her husband, "Shut up, you're next!"

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

2. "I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu." And the 'funniest' joke of all time is...

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down angrily. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you." Funniest of all time? Hmmm, maybe not. But I hope at least some of these made you chuckle.​

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