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Heavenly Humor…
"THEIR MOTHERS MAY HAVE SAID IT: “Sampson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don’t know where it’s been!” “David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons.” “Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper.” “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!” “Cain! Get off your brother! You’re going to kill him some day!” “Noah! No, you can’t keep them! How many times do I have to tell you, don’t bring home any more strays.” “Gideon! Have you been hiding in that winepress again? Look at your clothes.” “James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder.” “Judas! Have you been in my purse again?” “Jesus! Be careful with those tools; You don’t want to put a nail through your finger.”
"The CEO of Smith Foods arranged a meeting with the head of a powerful church. “Reverend,” he said, “Smith Foods is prepared to donate 100 million dollars to your church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread,’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.’” The minister responded, “That is impossible. The prayer is permanent; it must not be changed.” “OK. We at Smith Foods respect your faith, but we do have one more offer. We will give the church 500 million dollars.” Later, the minister met with his elders with the good news: “We have come into 500 million dollars.” And the bad news: “We’re losing the Wonderbread account.”
"At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him laying on his bed as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!”
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?” One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher."
"A dad was trying to teach his kid about the evils of drinking. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water survived, but the worm in the whiskey curled up and died almost immediately. “All right, kid,” the father began, “what does this little experiment prove to you about drinking?” “Well,” the kid replied thoughtfully, “it proves that if a person drinks alcohol he probably won’t get worms.”
"One evening an old farmer decides to go down to his pond. He hasn’t been there in months, and feels the urge to check on things. As he gets closer, he hears loud giggling coming from the pond. He is shocked to find a bunch of young women skinny-dipping. “Hey, what’s going on here?” he shouts, alerting the women who were standing at the water’s edge. All of the women scream in shock and swim to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouts to the farmer, “We’re not coming out until you leave, you pervert!” The old man replies, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or see you naked! I’m here to feed the alligator!”
"THEIR MOTHERS MAY HAVE SAID IT: “Sampson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don’t know where it’s been!” “David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons.” “Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper.” “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!” “Cain! Get off your brother! You’re going to kill him some day!” “Noah! No, you can’t keep them! How many times do I have to tell you, don’t bring home any more strays.” “Gideon! Have you been hiding in that winepress again? Look at your clothes.” “James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder.” “Judas! Have you been in my purse again?” “Jesus! Be careful with those tools; You don’t want to put a nail through your finger.”
"The CEO of Smith Foods arranged a meeting with the head of a powerful church. “Reverend,” he said, “Smith Foods is prepared to donate 100 million dollars to your church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread,’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.’” The minister responded, “That is impossible. The prayer is permanent; it must not be changed.” “OK. We at Smith Foods respect your faith, but we do have one more offer. We will give the church 500 million dollars.” Later, the minister met with his elders with the good news: “We have come into 500 million dollars.” And the bad news: “We’re losing the Wonderbread account.”
"At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him laying on his bed as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!”
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?” One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher."
"A dad was trying to teach his kid about the evils of drinking. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water survived, but the worm in the whiskey curled up and died almost immediately. “All right, kid,” the father began, “what does this little experiment prove to you about drinking?” “Well,” the kid replied thoughtfully, “it proves that if a person drinks alcohol he probably won’t get worms.”
"One evening an old farmer decides to go down to his pond. He hasn’t been there in months, and feels the urge to check on things. As he gets closer, he hears loud giggling coming from the pond. He is shocked to find a bunch of young women skinny-dipping. “Hey, what’s going on here?” he shouts, alerting the women who were standing at the water’s edge. All of the women scream in shock and swim to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouts to the farmer, “We’re not coming out until you leave, you pervert!” The old man replies, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or see you naked! I’m here to feed the alligator!”
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