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Heavenly Humor
Let’s Play Dress-Up!
My grandchild always attends church with me and is on the church property every day because I work there. She knows everyone she sees and is well-accepted there. We were in church one Sunday (she was almost 3 at the time) as she watched the pastor walk up to the altar. Now the church is quiet and we are in the back of the church when she blurted out loudly, “Why is my pastor wearing a dress?”
The whole church laughed as they turned around to see who said it. Our pastor turned to face the congregation with a smile on his face, and didn’t miss a beat with his introduction. I was ready to crawl under the pew as I tried to explain to my granddaughter that he’s not wearing a dress, it’s a robe. Her reply was, “Well, it looks like a dress.”"
Wardrobe Malfunction
One Sunday while wearing a choir robe I realized the zipper on my dress was pulled down under my robe. Wanting to be discreet, I decided to wait until I had taken my robe off before I fixed the zipper. I didn’t want anyone to see, so I backed up against what I thought was a wall while I worked the zipper up, hoping no one would notice.
I didn’t realize that the wall wasn’t a wall, it was a window that faced the busy street at the front of the church!
Good answer
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No, ma’am, they’re dead.”
Things to do at Thanksgiving
When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught,” and refuse to say anything more.
World famous
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israelite Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance and the modern décor throughout the building.
Finally, he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world famous author. “No,” his escort said, “it’s named for Frederic Mann, from Philadelphia.” “Really? I have never heard of him. What did he write?” “A check.”
Taking a pledge seriously
An older lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she wasn’t getting any younger, she decided to do so before she died. Until now she had never been out of the country, so she went in person to the passport office and asked how long it would take to get one issued. “You must take the loyalty oath first,” responded the passport clerk as he pulled some paperwork out of a drawer. “Raise your right hand, please.”
The old gal raised her hand. “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, foreign and domestic?” asked the clerk. The little old lady’s face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, “All by myself?”
Shocked
Some racehorses were staying in a stable. During the lazy afternoon, they began talking about their racing records. One of them began to boast about his track record. “I’ve won eight of my last sixteen races!” Another horse said, “Well, I’ve won twenty out of my last twenty-seven races!” “Oh, that’s good, but out of my last thirty-seven races, I’ve won thirty-two!” bragged yet another horse.
At this point, they noticed that a greyhound had been listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” said the greyhound, “But I’ve been listening to your records. I have to say that I’ve won eighty-nine out of my last ninety-one races!” The horses were clearly amazed. “Wowwwww!” said one after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”
I’m Taking Care of Myself
I walked around the block three times this morning . . . then I picked up the block and threw it in the toy chest. Americans are getting stronger.
Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year old can do it.
The VIP
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn’t have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope proceeded to hop on I-95 and started accelerating to see what the limo could do. He got to about ninety miles per hour and, WHAM!, there were the blue lights of the friendly state patrol in his mirror. The Pope pulled over, and the trooper came to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, said, “Just a minute, please. I need to call in.”
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He told the chief, “I’ve got a VERY important person pulled over, and I need to know what you want me to do.” The chief replied, “Who is it? Not the senator again?” The trooper said, “No, even more important.” “It isn’t the president, is it?” “No, more important.” “Well, WHO is it?” screamed the chief. “I don’t know,” said the trooper, “but whoever he is, he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”
Let’s Play Dress-Up!
My grandchild always attends church with me and is on the church property every day because I work there. She knows everyone she sees and is well-accepted there. We were in church one Sunday (she was almost 3 at the time) as she watched the pastor walk up to the altar. Now the church is quiet and we are in the back of the church when she blurted out loudly, “Why is my pastor wearing a dress?”
The whole church laughed as they turned around to see who said it. Our pastor turned to face the congregation with a smile on his face, and didn’t miss a beat with his introduction. I was ready to crawl under the pew as I tried to explain to my granddaughter that he’s not wearing a dress, it’s a robe. Her reply was, “Well, it looks like a dress.”"
Wardrobe Malfunction
One Sunday while wearing a choir robe I realized the zipper on my dress was pulled down under my robe. Wanting to be discreet, I decided to wait until I had taken my robe off before I fixed the zipper. I didn’t want anyone to see, so I backed up against what I thought was a wall while I worked the zipper up, hoping no one would notice.
I didn’t realize that the wall wasn’t a wall, it was a window that faced the busy street at the front of the church!
Good answer
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No, ma’am, they’re dead.”
Things to do at Thanksgiving
When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught,” and refuse to say anything more.
World famous
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israelite Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance and the modern décor throughout the building.
Finally, he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world famous author. “No,” his escort said, “it’s named for Frederic Mann, from Philadelphia.” “Really? I have never heard of him. What did he write?” “A check.”
Taking a pledge seriously
An older lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she wasn’t getting any younger, she decided to do so before she died. Until now she had never been out of the country, so she went in person to the passport office and asked how long it would take to get one issued. “You must take the loyalty oath first,” responded the passport clerk as he pulled some paperwork out of a drawer. “Raise your right hand, please.”
The old gal raised her hand. “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, foreign and domestic?” asked the clerk. The little old lady’s face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, “All by myself?”
Shocked
Some racehorses were staying in a stable. During the lazy afternoon, they began talking about their racing records. One of them began to boast about his track record. “I’ve won eight of my last sixteen races!” Another horse said, “Well, I’ve won twenty out of my last twenty-seven races!” “Oh, that’s good, but out of my last thirty-seven races, I’ve won thirty-two!” bragged yet another horse.
At this point, they noticed that a greyhound had been listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” said the greyhound, “But I’ve been listening to your records. I have to say that I’ve won eighty-nine out of my last ninety-one races!” The horses were clearly amazed. “Wowwwww!” said one after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”
I’m Taking Care of Myself
I walked around the block three times this morning . . . then I picked up the block and threw it in the toy chest. Americans are getting stronger.
Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year old can do it.
The VIP
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn’t have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope proceeded to hop on I-95 and started accelerating to see what the limo could do. He got to about ninety miles per hour and, WHAM!, there were the blue lights of the friendly state patrol in his mirror. The Pope pulled over, and the trooper came to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, said, “Just a minute, please. I need to call in.”
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He told the chief, “I’ve got a VERY important person pulled over, and I need to know what you want me to do.” The chief replied, “Who is it? Not the senator again?” The trooper said, “No, even more important.” “It isn’t the president, is it?” “No, more important.” “Well, WHO is it?” screamed the chief. “I don’t know,” said the trooper, “but whoever he is, he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”
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