✔ How to Quiet a Fidgety Child in Church
After the Sunday morning service, the pastor walked up to Mrs. Wilson and said hello. He also congratulated her on how well behaved her son was during the second part of the sermon. (Because during the first part of the sermon her son had been noticeably fidgety.)
He asked how she got him to settle down. The mom told the pastor, “It was easy,” “I just leaned over to him and said, if you don’t be quiet the pastor is going to lose his place and will have to start the sermon all over again. It worked!”
✔ Adam’s Offer
One day God looked down upon Adam and noticed he was alone among the animals that all had companions.
God said to Adam, “Adam you are my greatest creation. But I see how lonely you are. I am going to create for you a companion.
She will worship the ground you walk on. She will long for you and no other, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command.
She will be beautiful and intelligent and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg.
Adam thought for a moment and then said, “Hmmm, what could I get for a rib?
✔A Sermon About Lying
One Sunday a minister told his congregation that the following week he would talk about lying. In preparation for the sermon he asked everyone to read Mark 17.
The following Sunday before he began his sermon he asked the congregation by a show of hands who had done the homework and read Mark 17.
Nearly every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "The Book of Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
✔ Waiting for a Miracle
During a horrible flood a religious man stood on top of the roof of his home. A man comes by in a boat and offers "get in, get in!" The religious man says, "No I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle." The water keeps rising and soon it is up to his waist.
Another boat comes by and he is asked to get in again. He responds that he has faith in God and God will give him a miracle.
The water keeps rising and is now chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again because he is certain "God will grant him a miracle."
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in. Mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God.
The religious man arrives at the gates of heaven. His faith is broken. He says to St. Peter, “I thought God would grant me a miracle and I have been let down.” St. Peter shakes his head in disbelief and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."
✔Things to think about...
• How can batteries die?
• Why are buildings called buildings when they are finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
✔Did you know?...
• It is impossible to lick your elbow.
• A shrimp’s heart is in its head.
• People say, “Bless you,” when you sneeze because when you sneeze your heart stops for a millisecond.
• It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
• Did you hear about the man who couldn’t call 911 because there was no 11 on the phone.
✔ A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered, “Sure, why not?” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. The moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
✔ A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
✔ A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.” The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?” “No,” said the psychic, “Next term—in her biology class.”
✔ "There's no place for fear at my job. If you show fear — you're done! " "What do you work as?" "As a preschool teacher."
✔ With an inflation rate of 7.5%, in nine years, you will lose half of your savings. An analysis of the situation indicates that the only guaranteed way to break this trend is through cryptocurrencies.
With their help, you can lose half of your money in just a couple of months!
✔ Give a person a fish, and they'll be fed for a day. Google about fish, and you'll see fish ads for the rest of your life.