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Heavenly Humor
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director said, “Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine.” Several people spoke, admitting their excesses. Then one obviously overweight member said, “I eat moderately. I drink moderately; and I exercise frequently.” “Hmm,” said the manager. “And are you sure you have nothing else to add?” “Well, yes,” admitted the member. “I lie extensively.”
On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right, honey; I’ve had a course in first aid.” The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point, the woman tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”
If people were not meant to have late-night snacks, why did God put a light in the refrigerator?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk to the back of the store for prescriptions, while healthy people buy cigarettes up front?
A grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well known for her faith and her lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and yell, “Praise the Lord!” Her next-door neighbor would shout back, “There ain’t no God!” During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door. The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, “Praise the Lord!” The neighbor then stepped out from behind a tree and said, “I bought those groceries, and there ain’t no God.” Grandmother replied, “Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it.”
Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hides in one. A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks. He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack. “Meow!” says a convict. The policeman goes to the next one muttering, “Stupid cats.” He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, “Woof!” “Stupid dogs!” says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack. The policeman kicks it. Nothing happens. So, he kicks it again and the last convict says, “Potato, potato!”
One fellow walked into a doctor’s office, and the receptionist asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he said. So she took down his name, address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later, a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he said. So she took down his height, weight and complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he said. So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test and an electrocardiogram. Then she told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he said. The doctor said, “Where?” He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
Dad writes on son's Facebook wall: Dear Son, how are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!
Doctor: “Have you ever fainted before?” Patient: “Yes, the last time you told me your fees!”
Wife: “The doctor has come to see you.” Husband: “Tell him that I am not feeling well and won’t be able to see anyone!”
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director said, “Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine.” Several people spoke, admitting their excesses. Then one obviously overweight member said, “I eat moderately. I drink moderately; and I exercise frequently.” “Hmm,” said the manager. “And are you sure you have nothing else to add?” “Well, yes,” admitted the member. “I lie extensively.”
On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right, honey; I’ve had a course in first aid.” The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point, the woman tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”
If people were not meant to have late-night snacks, why did God put a light in the refrigerator?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk to the back of the store for prescriptions, while healthy people buy cigarettes up front?
A grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well known for her faith and her lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and yell, “Praise the Lord!” Her next-door neighbor would shout back, “There ain’t no God!” During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door. The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, “Praise the Lord!” The neighbor then stepped out from behind a tree and said, “I bought those groceries, and there ain’t no God.” Grandmother replied, “Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it.”
Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hides in one. A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks. He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack. “Meow!” says a convict. The policeman goes to the next one muttering, “Stupid cats.” He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, “Woof!” “Stupid dogs!” says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack. The policeman kicks it. Nothing happens. So, he kicks it again and the last convict says, “Potato, potato!”
One fellow walked into a doctor’s office, and the receptionist asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he said. So she took down his name, address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later, a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he said. So she took down his height, weight and complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he said. So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test and an electrocardiogram. Then she told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he said. The doctor said, “Where?” He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
Dad writes on son's Facebook wall: Dear Son, how are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!
Doctor: “Have you ever fainted before?” Patient: “Yes, the last time you told me your fees!”
Wife: “The doctor has come to see you.” Husband: “Tell him that I am not feeling well and won’t be able to see anyone!”
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