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Heavenly Humor
Two little kids were in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leaned over and asked, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid said, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid said, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”
The second kid then asked, “What are you here for?”
The first kid said, “Circumcision.” And the second kid said, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born, and I couldn’t walk for a year.”
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery.
Pausing before one gravestone, he said, “There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has.
They walked on a bit farther and came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, “Now there’s a different type of man altogether.
He owed me 60 dollars, and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has.”
The little boy thought for a while and then said, “You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky.” “Why?” asked the old man in surprise. “Well, whichever place you go to, you’ll have some money to draw on.”"
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, “Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes, sir,” the boys said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause yer feet ain’t empty.”
My home church welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.
Voice on telephone: “I am afraid Catherine would not be coming to school today.” Headmaster: “Who is calling?” Voice: “It is my mother!”
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway, “See I am not injured yet!”
“The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.”
Candidate: “Yes I think so; I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months!”
Man 1: “After buying this new hearing aid, I am able to hear something two blocks away.”
Man 2: “Cool, how much did it cost?”
Man 1: “The time is three past ten!”
Before going to sleep you can say goodnight. But before waking up can you say Good morning!?
Man 1: “My son is not listening to anything I say.”
Man 2: “Is he so adamant?”
Man 1: “No, he is deaf!”
A Ticket in the Wrong Direction
A drunken man got on the bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and sat next to a woman who was clutching a Bible. She looked the wayward drunk up and down and said, “I’ve got news for you, mister. You’re going straight to hell!” The man jumped up out of his seat and shouted, “Oh man, I’m on the wrong bus again!”
Two little kids were in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leaned over and asked, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid said, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid said, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”
The second kid then asked, “What are you here for?”
The first kid said, “Circumcision.” And the second kid said, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born, and I couldn’t walk for a year.”
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery.
Pausing before one gravestone, he said, “There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has.
They walked on a bit farther and came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, “Now there’s a different type of man altogether.
He owed me 60 dollars, and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has.”
The little boy thought for a while and then said, “You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky.” “Why?” asked the old man in surprise. “Well, whichever place you go to, you’ll have some money to draw on.”"
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, “Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes, sir,” the boys said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause yer feet ain’t empty.”
My home church welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.
Voice on telephone: “I am afraid Catherine would not be coming to school today.” Headmaster: “Who is calling?” Voice: “It is my mother!”
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway, “See I am not injured yet!”
“The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.”
Candidate: “Yes I think so; I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months!”
Man 1: “After buying this new hearing aid, I am able to hear something two blocks away.”
Man 2: “Cool, how much did it cost?”
Man 1: “The time is three past ten!”
Before going to sleep you can say goodnight. But before waking up can you say Good morning!?
Man 1: “My son is not listening to anything I say.”
Man 2: “Is he so adamant?”
Man 1: “No, he is deaf!”
A Ticket in the Wrong Direction
A drunken man got on the bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and sat next to a woman who was clutching a Bible. She looked the wayward drunk up and down and said, “I’ve got news for you, mister. You’re going straight to hell!” The man jumped up out of his seat and shouted, “Oh man, I’m on the wrong bus again!”
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