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Heavenly Humor
The church treasurer went to the pastor with the bad news that they couldn’t make the mortgage payment or pay the utilities. So, the pastor told his congregation on Sunday morning, “We need an extra-large offering this morning.” Then he added, “We will honor the person who gives the largest offering by inviting him or her to pick out three hymns for the service.”
To the pastor’s delight, there was a one-thousand-dollar bill in the plate, which made him so excited he asked the big giver to identify himself immediately. A quiet little lady sitting in the back corner stood, and the pastor invited her to the front.
Telling her how generous her gift was, he also invited her to select three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the sanctuary, and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.” * * *
Did you hear they arrested the devil? They got him on possession.
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?” “No,” said the psychic, “Next term—in her biology class.”"
Rethinking
A manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy answered.
The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked for before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only—Smith, Jones and Baker—that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.
Do you understand?” As the new man nodded, the manager continued, “Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “OK, John. Now the next thing we need to discuss is . . .”
***
Digging And Refilling
A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. “I can’t stand this,” said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with all this digging and refilling?” “Well, we work for the government and we’re just doing our job,” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything.
Aren’t you wasting the taxpayers’ money?” “You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Now just because Elmer’s sick, that don’t mean that Leroy and me can’t work.”
The church treasurer went to the pastor with the bad news that they couldn’t make the mortgage payment or pay the utilities. So, the pastor told his congregation on Sunday morning, “We need an extra-large offering this morning.” Then he added, “We will honor the person who gives the largest offering by inviting him or her to pick out three hymns for the service.”
To the pastor’s delight, there was a one-thousand-dollar bill in the plate, which made him so excited he asked the big giver to identify himself immediately. A quiet little lady sitting in the back corner stood, and the pastor invited her to the front.
Telling her how generous her gift was, he also invited her to select three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the sanctuary, and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.” * * *
Did you hear they arrested the devil? They got him on possession.
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?” “No,” said the psychic, “Next term—in her biology class.”"
Rethinking
A manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy answered.
The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked for before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only—Smith, Jones and Baker—that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.
Do you understand?” As the new man nodded, the manager continued, “Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “OK, John. Now the next thing we need to discuss is . . .”
***
Digging And Refilling
A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. “I can’t stand this,” said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with all this digging and refilling?” “Well, we work for the government and we’re just doing our job,” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything.
Aren’t you wasting the taxpayers’ money?” “You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Now just because Elmer’s sick, that don’t mean that Leroy and me can’t work.”
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