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Heavenly Humor
Do it yourself
The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner, so I asked my wife to go over to the local market to buy some organic vegetables. She came back rather upset. It took her a while to settle down before she could explain why she was so upset. Finally, she explained, “I don’t think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables. When I couldn’t find them, I asked him for help. He didn’t know what I was talking about, so I said, ‘These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?’ “And he said, ‘No, ma’am. You’ll have to do that yourself.’’
Too little; too late
A man arrived at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter opened the gate and said, “I’ve been checking your file. I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad, either. I’ll tell you what—if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, I’ll admit you.
So the man answered, “Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of thugs attacking a poor man along the side of the road. So I pulled over, got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron, and walked straight up to the gang’s leader—a huge, ugly guy with a chain running from his nose to his ear.
Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around, and, wielding my tire iron, I yelled to the rest of them, ‘You all leave this poor man alone! Go home before I teach you a lesson you’ll never forget!’” Impressed, St. Peter asked, “Really? I can’t seem to find this in your file. When did all this happen?” “Oh, about two minutes ago.”
A Well-done compliment
The customer called the waiter over and said, while pointing to his steak, “Didn’t I tell you, ‘Well done’?” The waiter replied, “Thank you, Sir; I seldom get a compliment.”
Teacher asked in anger: “What is the idea? You yawned seven times, while I was talking to you.” “I did not”, he said, “I was just trying to say something!”
The teacher handed back to the class the answer papers she had corrected. “Does anyone want to ask a question?” she asked. “Yes, Madam”, replied one boy, “I cannot read what you have written at the bottom of my paper.” The teacher glanced at the paper and said: “I have written, you must write more clearly!”
One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing, working here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbles.
“They misspelled my name!”
A couple’s happy married life almost goes completely wrong because of Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years, Aunt Emma has lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally, the old woman passes away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confesses to his wife, “Darling, if I didn’t love you so much, I don’t think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.”
His wife looks at him in shock. “My Aunt Emma?” she cries. “I thought she was your Aunt Emma!”
"The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense."
A man finishes pumping gas and goes into the store to pay.
A sign on the pumps says, “Please tell cashier the pump number to pay.”
The man walks up to the counter and says to the clerk, “Number 2.”
The clerk hands the man a set of keys, motions to a hallway next to the counter, and says, “The second door on the left."
Just before boarding began, a flight attendant announced that the flight was overbooked.
She explained that the airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats.
In exchange, the airline would offer a $100 voucher for the next flight and a First Class ticket for the plane leaving a few hours later.
A small group of people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. A few minutes later, all of the people returned to their seats with angry looks on their faces.
The flight attendant got back on the intercom and announced, “If there is anyone besides the flight crew who’d like to volunteer, come up to the desk.”
Do it yourself
The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner, so I asked my wife to go over to the local market to buy some organic vegetables. She came back rather upset. It took her a while to settle down before she could explain why she was so upset. Finally, she explained, “I don’t think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables. When I couldn’t find them, I asked him for help. He didn’t know what I was talking about, so I said, ‘These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?’ “And he said, ‘No, ma’am. You’ll have to do that yourself.’’
Too little; too late
A man arrived at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter opened the gate and said, “I’ve been checking your file. I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad, either. I’ll tell you what—if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, I’ll admit you.
So the man answered, “Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of thugs attacking a poor man along the side of the road. So I pulled over, got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron, and walked straight up to the gang’s leader—a huge, ugly guy with a chain running from his nose to his ear.
Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around, and, wielding my tire iron, I yelled to the rest of them, ‘You all leave this poor man alone! Go home before I teach you a lesson you’ll never forget!’” Impressed, St. Peter asked, “Really? I can’t seem to find this in your file. When did all this happen?” “Oh, about two minutes ago.”
A Well-done compliment
The customer called the waiter over and said, while pointing to his steak, “Didn’t I tell you, ‘Well done’?” The waiter replied, “Thank you, Sir; I seldom get a compliment.”
Teacher asked in anger: “What is the idea? You yawned seven times, while I was talking to you.” “I did not”, he said, “I was just trying to say something!”
The teacher handed back to the class the answer papers she had corrected. “Does anyone want to ask a question?” she asked. “Yes, Madam”, replied one boy, “I cannot read what you have written at the bottom of my paper.” The teacher glanced at the paper and said: “I have written, you must write more clearly!”
One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing, working here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbles.
“They misspelled my name!”
A couple’s happy married life almost goes completely wrong because of Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years, Aunt Emma has lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally, the old woman passes away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confesses to his wife, “Darling, if I didn’t love you so much, I don’t think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.”
His wife looks at him in shock. “My Aunt Emma?” she cries. “I thought she was your Aunt Emma!”
"The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense."
A man finishes pumping gas and goes into the store to pay.
A sign on the pumps says, “Please tell cashier the pump number to pay.”
The man walks up to the counter and says to the clerk, “Number 2.”
The clerk hands the man a set of keys, motions to a hallway next to the counter, and says, “The second door on the left."
Just before boarding began, a flight attendant announced that the flight was overbooked.
She explained that the airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats.
In exchange, the airline would offer a $100 voucher for the next flight and a First Class ticket for the plane leaving a few hours later.
A small group of people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. A few minutes later, all of the people returned to their seats with angry looks on their faces.
The flight attendant got back on the intercom and announced, “If there is anyone besides the flight crew who’d like to volunteer, come up to the desk.”
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