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Heavenly Humor…
A mother gave her child a one-dollar bill and a quarter. “Sweetheart,” the mother said, “you can place either one in the offering plate. It’s entirely up to you”. As they were driving home, the mother asked her daughter what she decided to give. “Well, at first I was going to give the dollar,” said the daughter. ‘But the man behind the pulpit said God loves a cheerful giver, and I felt I would be more cheerful if I gave the quarter instead.”
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination was playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised, this is just part of my job.” “Incredible!’ exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you, an animal that can talk?” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t tell him! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone as well!”
A funeral passed by an armored truck at an intersection. The truck couldn’t go straight through, so the driver decided to join the procession to circle around the block. A passerby saw the truck in the funeral procession and commented to her friend, “How about that? You can take it with you!”
A man steps in a pastor’s office and says, “I can’t stand to listen to anyone else preach. You think that means the Lord is calling me the ministry?”
After Sunday morning Bible class, a mom asks her little boy what they talked about. He tells her that they talked about the creation story and how God had taken a rib from man’s side and made a wife for him. After lunch the mother finds him doubled over in pain, she asks what’s wrong and the little boy says, “My side hurts mommy, I think I’m having a wife.”
Big Ed goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward to be prayed over. Big Ed gets in line. When it’s his turn, the preacher says, “Big Ed, what do you want me to pray about?” Big Ed says, “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the preacher puts one finger in Big Ed’s ear and a hand on top of his head and shouts, hollers, and prays awhile. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, “Big Ed, how’s your hearing now?” Big Ed says, “I don’t know, preacher. It’s not until next Wednesday at the County Courthouse.”
Seven-year-old Jessica, is a deep thinker when it comes to theological questions. Recently she had a discussion on why bad things sometimes happen and reread the story of Adam and Eve and how sin came into the world. Later that week, Jessica was ill and had to stay home from school. Feeling miserable, she asked her mom, “If only Adam and Eve hadn’t eaten the fruit, I wouldn’t be sick.” Before her mom could answer, she quickly added, “But, of course, if they hadn’t eaten it, we’d be sitting here naked!”
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?” One child blurted out, “Aces!”
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign…”Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”
Dear God, “Did you mean for giraffes to like that, or was it an accident?” – Kelsey,8 years old
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do-- unless we are celebrities.
A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have – Thomas Jefferson
We get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot of information in our heads—that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
If you read in the bathroom, is it considered multi-tasking?
If you don’t care where you are, you ain’t lost.
A mother gave her child a one-dollar bill and a quarter. “Sweetheart,” the mother said, “you can place either one in the offering plate. It’s entirely up to you”. As they were driving home, the mother asked her daughter what she decided to give. “Well, at first I was going to give the dollar,” said the daughter. ‘But the man behind the pulpit said God loves a cheerful giver, and I felt I would be more cheerful if I gave the quarter instead.”
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination was playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised, this is just part of my job.” “Incredible!’ exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you, an animal that can talk?” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t tell him! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone as well!”
A funeral passed by an armored truck at an intersection. The truck couldn’t go straight through, so the driver decided to join the procession to circle around the block. A passerby saw the truck in the funeral procession and commented to her friend, “How about that? You can take it with you!”
A man steps in a pastor’s office and says, “I can’t stand to listen to anyone else preach. You think that means the Lord is calling me the ministry?”
After Sunday morning Bible class, a mom asks her little boy what they talked about. He tells her that they talked about the creation story and how God had taken a rib from man’s side and made a wife for him. After lunch the mother finds him doubled over in pain, she asks what’s wrong and the little boy says, “My side hurts mommy, I think I’m having a wife.”
Big Ed goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward to be prayed over. Big Ed gets in line. When it’s his turn, the preacher says, “Big Ed, what do you want me to pray about?” Big Ed says, “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the preacher puts one finger in Big Ed’s ear and a hand on top of his head and shouts, hollers, and prays awhile. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, “Big Ed, how’s your hearing now?” Big Ed says, “I don’t know, preacher. It’s not until next Wednesday at the County Courthouse.”
Seven-year-old Jessica, is a deep thinker when it comes to theological questions. Recently she had a discussion on why bad things sometimes happen and reread the story of Adam and Eve and how sin came into the world. Later that week, Jessica was ill and had to stay home from school. Feeling miserable, she asked her mom, “If only Adam and Eve hadn’t eaten the fruit, I wouldn’t be sick.” Before her mom could answer, she quickly added, “But, of course, if they hadn’t eaten it, we’d be sitting here naked!”
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?” One child blurted out, “Aces!”
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign…”Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”
Dear God, “Did you mean for giraffes to like that, or was it an accident?” – Kelsey,8 years old
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do-- unless we are celebrities.
A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have – Thomas Jefferson
We get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot of information in our heads—that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
If you read in the bathroom, is it considered multi-tasking?
If you don’t care where you are, you ain’t lost.
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