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Heavenly Humor
Money from God...
A little boy wanted to buy a toy that was expensive. He needed $100. His parents said he needed to save his allowance. The little boy thought that would take too long. So, remembering what he had learned in church that God answers prayers, he prayed for God to send him the money.
After two weeks and nothing, he decided to be resourceful and write God a letter. When the Post Office got the letter addressed to God, they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed and touched by the letter he decided to send the little boy $5. (The President felt $100 was too much money for such a young boy.) The little boy was quite happy to get the $5 in the mail.
He quickly sat down to write God a thank you note. In the note he wrote: “Dear God thank you so much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington DC. I just wanted you to know it looks like they took $95 out for taxes.”
The Point System...
A man dies and goes to Heaven. The next thing he knows he is standing before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter explains, “Here is how it works. You need 100 points to get in to Heaven.
Tell me all the good things you have done. I will give you a certain amount of points for each one, depending on how good the act was.
When you reach 100 points you get in.” “Okay,” the man says. “To begin, I was married to the same women for over 50 years and I was ever faithful.
I never cheated on her and loved her with all my heart.” “That is wonderful,” St Peter responds. “That is worth three points.” “Three points?” The man questions. “I also attended church all my life and supported the ministry with my tithe and devoted service.” Tremendous!” says St Peter.
“You get another point.” “One point?” Once again the man is in disbelief. “Okay how about this, I started a soup kitchen in my home town and worked in a shelter for the homeless.” “That’s good for two more points,” St Peter offers. “Only two points!”
the man cries.
“At this rate the only way I will get into heaven is by the grace of God!" "Come on in!” St Peter smiled.
Ashes to Ashes Dust to Dust...
Johnny and his mother were coming home from church one Sunday morning. His mother noticed a serious look on his face. She asked him “What’s on your mind Johnny?” “Is it true what the preacher said about everyone coming from dust and then turning us back into dust when we die?” ”Yes that is true.” she answered.
“Why do you ask?” "Well, when we get home," he answered, "You better look under my bed, because someone's either comin' or goin!"
No Talking in Church...
Suzie and her little brother Colin were sitting together in church. Colin was giggling and singing and talking out loud. After a while his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she reminded him. "Why,” he asked? “Who's going to stop me?" Colin asked. Suzie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
Cute Letter to God...
A Sunday school teacher explained the homework assignment was to write a letter to God and bring their letter back the following Sunday.
She especially liked one girl’s letter which read: "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."
A new Police cadet was taking their entrance exam and question one was, “If you were told that you needed to arrest your own mother, what is the first thing that you would do?” She pondered for a moment and wrote down, “Call for back-up!”
Isn't parenting strange? When you have the first child and go out in the evening, you call the babysitter at least 5 times. When you have the second child, you leave the telephone number of where you are going to with the babysitter. When the third child arrives, you leave strict instructions that the babysitter only calls you if there is blood!
At my annual appraisal at work, my boss commented you give 100 per cent commitment every week. I was really pleased until he continued, “15% Monday, 20% Tuesday, 35% Wednesday, 25% Thursday and 5% Friday!”
A mother squirrel is walking along the road with her baby when suddenly a cat jumps out and attacks them. Instantly, the mother squirrel shouts loudly, “BARK” at which point the cat ran off. “There, you see” said the mother squirrel to her baby, “that is why learning a foreign language is so important!”
A burglar enters a house and notices a flat screen television. And as he is about to pick it up, he hears a voice saying, “God is watching you”.
He then notices a wallet stuffed with dollar bills on the sideboard and as he picks up the wallet again hears the voice, “God is still watching you”.
He looks around the room with his torch and spots a parrot in a cage in the corner of the room.
He approaches the parrot and asks, “What is your name?” “Solomon” the parrot replies. “Who would be daft enough to call a parrot Solomon?” retorted the burglar.
“The same person that calls a Rottweiler God!” chuckles the parrot.
Money from God...
A little boy wanted to buy a toy that was expensive. He needed $100. His parents said he needed to save his allowance. The little boy thought that would take too long. So, remembering what he had learned in church that God answers prayers, he prayed for God to send him the money.
After two weeks and nothing, he decided to be resourceful and write God a letter. When the Post Office got the letter addressed to God, they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed and touched by the letter he decided to send the little boy $5. (The President felt $100 was too much money for such a young boy.) The little boy was quite happy to get the $5 in the mail.
He quickly sat down to write God a thank you note. In the note he wrote: “Dear God thank you so much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington DC. I just wanted you to know it looks like they took $95 out for taxes.”
The Point System...
A man dies and goes to Heaven. The next thing he knows he is standing before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter explains, “Here is how it works. You need 100 points to get in to Heaven.
Tell me all the good things you have done. I will give you a certain amount of points for each one, depending on how good the act was.
When you reach 100 points you get in.” “Okay,” the man says. “To begin, I was married to the same women for over 50 years and I was ever faithful.
I never cheated on her and loved her with all my heart.” “That is wonderful,” St Peter responds. “That is worth three points.” “Three points?” The man questions. “I also attended church all my life and supported the ministry with my tithe and devoted service.” Tremendous!” says St Peter.
“You get another point.” “One point?” Once again the man is in disbelief. “Okay how about this, I started a soup kitchen in my home town and worked in a shelter for the homeless.” “That’s good for two more points,” St Peter offers. “Only two points!”
the man cries.
“At this rate the only way I will get into heaven is by the grace of God!" "Come on in!” St Peter smiled.
Ashes to Ashes Dust to Dust...
Johnny and his mother were coming home from church one Sunday morning. His mother noticed a serious look on his face. She asked him “What’s on your mind Johnny?” “Is it true what the preacher said about everyone coming from dust and then turning us back into dust when we die?” ”Yes that is true.” she answered.
“Why do you ask?” "Well, when we get home," he answered, "You better look under my bed, because someone's either comin' or goin!"
No Talking in Church...
Suzie and her little brother Colin were sitting together in church. Colin was giggling and singing and talking out loud. After a while his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she reminded him. "Why,” he asked? “Who's going to stop me?" Colin asked. Suzie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
Cute Letter to God...
A Sunday school teacher explained the homework assignment was to write a letter to God and bring their letter back the following Sunday.
She especially liked one girl’s letter which read: "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."
A new Police cadet was taking their entrance exam and question one was, “If you were told that you needed to arrest your own mother, what is the first thing that you would do?” She pondered for a moment and wrote down, “Call for back-up!”
Isn't parenting strange? When you have the first child and go out in the evening, you call the babysitter at least 5 times. When you have the second child, you leave the telephone number of where you are going to with the babysitter. When the third child arrives, you leave strict instructions that the babysitter only calls you if there is blood!
At my annual appraisal at work, my boss commented you give 100 per cent commitment every week. I was really pleased until he continued, “15% Monday, 20% Tuesday, 35% Wednesday, 25% Thursday and 5% Friday!”
A mother squirrel is walking along the road with her baby when suddenly a cat jumps out and attacks them. Instantly, the mother squirrel shouts loudly, “BARK” at which point the cat ran off. “There, you see” said the mother squirrel to her baby, “that is why learning a foreign language is so important!”
A burglar enters a house and notices a flat screen television. And as he is about to pick it up, he hears a voice saying, “God is watching you”.
He then notices a wallet stuffed with dollar bills on the sideboard and as he picks up the wallet again hears the voice, “God is still watching you”.
He looks around the room with his torch and spots a parrot in a cage in the corner of the room.
He approaches the parrot and asks, “What is your name?” “Solomon” the parrot replies. “Who would be daft enough to call a parrot Solomon?” retorted the burglar.
“The same person that calls a Rottweiler God!” chuckles the parrot.
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