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Heavenly Humor…
A diet guru is holding a seminar in the conference room of a large hotel. “The food we eat,” he explains, “is slowly killing us. Red meats attack the heart. Vegetables and fruits are sprayed with harmful pesticides. Even our drinking water is polluted! But do you know which food is much more dangerous than them all? Can anyone tell me what it is?” A man in the back of the room raises his hand and, when called on, answers, “Wedding cake?”
"You know it’s going to be a bad day when... • You call suicide prevention, and they put you on hold. • You turn on the news, and they are showing escape routes out of the city. • Your twin sister forgets your birthday. • Your income tax check bounces. • You put both contacts in one eye. • Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles."
"Weird things you’d never know • Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump. • Women blink nearly twice as often as men. • A dentist invented the electric chair. • All polar bears are left-handed. • A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. • “Typewriter” is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard."
Prayers not answered Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal. One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to say their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my four-year-old finished, her three-year-old sister kept on praying. Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, “Hey! My peas are still here!”
"A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which virgin was the mother of Jesus—the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”
"NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH - High soprano Karen Phillips once sang in the choir, but for several services she was in the congregation and not in the loft. When asked why she no longer sang, she explained, “One Sunday when I was home sick with a cold, several folks asked if the organ had been repaired.”
Concerned neighbor Worried that they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, “Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Rock is?” A few minutes later, Tony returned. “Well, is she all right?” asked the mother. “She’s fine, but she’s rather annoyed with you,” answered Tony. “At me?” exclaimed the mother. “Whatever for?” Tony replied, “Mrs. Rock said it’s none of your business how old she is.”
A diet guru is holding a seminar in the conference room of a large hotel. “The food we eat,” he explains, “is slowly killing us. Red meats attack the heart. Vegetables and fruits are sprayed with harmful pesticides. Even our drinking water is polluted! But do you know which food is much more dangerous than them all? Can anyone tell me what it is?” A man in the back of the room raises his hand and, when called on, answers, “Wedding cake?”
"You know it’s going to be a bad day when... • You call suicide prevention, and they put you on hold. • You turn on the news, and they are showing escape routes out of the city. • Your twin sister forgets your birthday. • Your income tax check bounces. • You put both contacts in one eye. • Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles."
"Weird things you’d never know • Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump. • Women blink nearly twice as often as men. • A dentist invented the electric chair. • All polar bears are left-handed. • A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. • “Typewriter” is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard."
Prayers not answered Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal. One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to say their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my four-year-old finished, her three-year-old sister kept on praying. Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, “Hey! My peas are still here!”
"A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which virgin was the mother of Jesus—the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”
"NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH - High soprano Karen Phillips once sang in the choir, but for several services she was in the congregation and not in the loft. When asked why she no longer sang, she explained, “One Sunday when I was home sick with a cold, several folks asked if the organ had been repaired.”
Concerned neighbor Worried that they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, “Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Rock is?” A few minutes later, Tony returned. “Well, is she all right?” asked the mother. “She’s fine, but she’s rather annoyed with you,” answered Tony. “At me?” exclaimed the mother. “Whatever for?” Tony replied, “Mrs. Rock said it’s none of your business how old she is.”
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