Heavenly Humor

Heavenly Humor

😇 An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to his doctor’s office. “Doctor Kaine, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.” “I have good news for you, Howard,” Doctor Kaine said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.” “Great,” said Howard, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.” A few weeks later Howard was back, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!” “I don’t understand how that could be,” said Dr. Kaine, shaking her head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!” “That may be true,” answered Howard wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”

😇 A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man’s hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention...”

😇 During a visit to a mental hospital, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “Actually,” said the director, “a normal person would just pull the plug. So tell me, do you want a room with an east view or a west view?”

😇 A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. Fortunately, the insurance company paid for everything.” “That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company paid for everything.” Puzzled, the lawyer asked, “How do you start a flood?”

😇 Finding one of her Sunday school kids making faces at others on the playground, the teacher stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “When I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and I would stay like that.” The boy looked up at her and replied, “Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

😇 One Sunday, Mrs. Dunn decided to visit a new church. The sermon seemed to go on and on and a few people in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be friendly, she approached a sleepy-looking gentleman, extended her hand, and said, “Hello—I’m Gladys Dunn.” “You’re not the only one,” the man replied. “I’m glad it’s done, too!”

😇 Many years ago the northern lights were much more brilliant. One night a young man went out and saw them shining brightly. He assumed they signaled the end of time. He ran through his community admonishing the people to wake up. He arrived at the house of an old man and began pounding on the door. “Get up!” he shouted. “The day of judgment has come!” “Go back to bed,” the old man grumbled. “Who ever heard of the day of judgm

😇 An elderly woman in her nineties had a visitor from her church come to see her at the nursing home. “How are you?” the visitor asked. “Oh,” said the elderly woman, “I’m just worried sick!” “You look like you’re in good health. They take good care of you here, don’t they?” “Oh, yes, they take good care of me here.” “Do you have any pain?” the visitor asked. “No, I can’t say as I do,” the elderly woman replied. “Then what has you worried sick?” the visitor asked. The elderly woman leaned in and explained. “All of my closest friends have already died and gone to heaven. I’m sure they are all wondering where I went!”

😇 My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well known for her faith and her lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and yell, “Praise the Lord!” Her next-door neighbor would shout back, “There ain’t no God!” During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door. The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, “Praise the Lord!” The neighbor then stepped out from behind a tree and said, “I bought those groceries, and there ain’t no God.” Grandmother replied, “Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it.”

😇 A sign in the restaurant window read: “We can fix any dish you ask for. If we don’t have it, you will be paid $200.” Thinking that was a pretty good deal, the man went in and sat down at a table. The waitress came over to take his order. He said, “I’ll have roast elephant on rye bread; hold the mayo.” The waitress snapped her gum, stuck her pencil back in her hair and walked into the kitchen. All of a sudden, the man heard screaming and yelling, pots and pans being thrown and dishes breaking. The kitchen door slammed open as the owner came charging out. He put two, one-hundred-dollar bills on the table and said, “I can’t believe it. I’ve been in business here for ten years, and this is the first time I’ve run out of rye bread.”