Heavenly Humor
A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career. “How’s it going?” the agent asks. “It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.” “Two?” the agent replies. “Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.” ******* At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row. “Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?” “As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology. “Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.” ******* A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks. “I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.” ******* A soccer hooligan appears before a judge. He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium. “What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks. “Stones, sir,” the officer replies. The judge is confused. “Well, that’s hardly an offense, officer.” “It was in this case, sir,” the officer explains. “Stones was the name of the referee.” ******* A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks. “Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers. “And did he make me too?” she asks next. “Of course he did,” the old man answers again. “Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.” ******* Three senior citizens are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies. “Every morning, I get up at 6 a.m.,” the first man explains, “and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out.” The second man adds, “I get up at 6 A.M. too, and it feels like I’ve got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens.” The third man chimes in the conversation and tells his friends, “I pee and move my bowels at exactly 7 a.m. every morning.” “That’s not bad,” the first man responds. “Why are you complaining?” The third man admits, “The problem is I don’t usually wake up until 8 A.M.” ******* The church treasurer went to the pastor with the bad news that they couldn’t make the mortgage payment or pay the utilities. So the pastor told his congregation on Sunday morning, “We need an extra-large offering this morning.” Then he added, “We will honor the person who gives the largest offering by inviting him or her to pick out three hymns for the service.” To the pastor’s delight, there was a one thousand dollar bill in the plate, which made him so excited he asked the big giver to identify himself immediately. A quiet little lady sitting in the back corner stood, and the pastor invited her to the front. Telling her how generous her gift was, he also invited her to select three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the sanctuary, and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.” ******* A man had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking spot. He said, “Lord, please take pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I promise to go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up swearing.” Miraculously, a spot opened right in front of his building. The man looked up and said, “Never mind. I found one.” ******* Adam bit the fruit and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf. Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind some trees to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, and an oak. ******* A Sunday School teacher was telling his class the parable of the Prodigal Son. After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, he spoke about one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion. He asked, “Can anybody tell me who this was?” Nine-year-old Victoria had been listening closely to the story. She waved her hand in the air. “I know!” she said. “It was the fatted calf.” ******* A man appears at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks. “Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “Once, on a trip to the Grand Canyon, I came upon a gang of violent bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, ‘Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.’” St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?” “Just a couple minutes ago.” |