Heavenly Humor
LOOK UP... The substitute teacher was struggling to open a lock on the Sunday school supply cabinet. She’d been told the combination but couldn’t quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor’s study and asked for help. When the minister began to twist the dial, he paused after the first couple of numbers and stared blankly. Finally he looked heavenward and his lips moved silently, then he looked back at the lock,turned to the final numbers, and clicked open the hasp. The teacher was amazed. “I’m in awe of your faith, Pastor.” “It’s really nothing,” he responded. “The numbers are on a piece of tape on the ceiling.” ROCKIN’ THE STEWARD-SHIP... Ever notice all the words that are in the word “Stewardship”? First, there’s “Stew.” That’s what a congregation can get into after a sermon on tithing. Then there’s “war,” which is what can take place in a church board discussion of the church budget. “Ship” is the third syllable. Like the Titanic, if there’s a hole in church giving, it can sink pretty fast. Finally the word “hip,” a reminder that total stewardship is about the whole body. Two little kids were in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leaned over and asked, “What are you in here for?” The second kid said, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid said, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!” The second kid then asked, “What are you here for?” The first kid said, “Circumcision.” And the second kid said, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born, and I couldn’t walk for a year.” “Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.”—PROVERB An adorable old woman visits the doctor. “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.” “Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.” Three old friends, all with very bad hearing, meet on the corner. “Isn’t it windy?” the first man asks. “No,” says the second, “it’s Thursday.” “Agreed,” says the third man, “let’s go grab a beer.” A man goes to the nursing home to visit his eighty-four-year-old father. While there he notices the nurse hand his father a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill. The man asks the nurse, “Why are you doing that? At his age, what will either do for him?” “The hot chocolate,” the nurse explains, “will help him fall asleep faster.” “All right,” the man replies, “and what about the Viagra?” “That keeps him from rolling out of bed.” A farmer spends $7,000 on a young registered Black Angus bull to mate with his cows. He puts the bull out with the herd, but the animal just eats grass. He won’t even look at the cows. The farmer feels cheated, so he brings in the local vet to check out the bull. The bull is very healthy, the vet explains, but possibly just a little young. So he gives the farmer pills to feed the bull once per day. It will help with his urge to mate. After a few days, the bull starts to service a few cows, and within a week, every cow on the farm. The bull even breaks through the fence and breeds with all of the neighbor’s cows. He turns into a mating machine. A friend of the farmer asks exactly what the vet gave the bull to cause such a drastic change. “I don’t know exactly what was in those pills,” the farmer says. “All I can tell you is they work and they taste like peppermint.” Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car. “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash. “Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?” “I hope we find a cure for every major disease because I’m tired of walking in 5Ks.”—DANIEL TOSH If you think nobody cares you are alive, try missing a couple of payments. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Did you know 50 percent of people use Google as a search engine and the other 50 percent use it to check to see if their Internet is connected? Change your Facebook name to Benefits so when someone adds you on Facebook, it will say, “You are now friends with Benefits.” Just before boarding began, a flight attendant announced that the flight was overbooked. She explained that the airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, the airline would offer a $100 voucher for the next flight and a First Class ticket for the plane leaving a few hours later. A small group of people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. A few minutes later, all of the people returned to their seats with angry looks on their faces. The flight attendant got back on the intercom and announced, “If there is anyone besides the flight crew who’d like to volunteer, come up to the desk.” |