A middle-aged person drove their new convertible out of the dealership and, once on the road, pushed it to 80, enjoying the wind blowing through their hair. “Amazing!” they thought, as they flew down 1-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in their rearview mirror, he saw the State Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 90, then 100, then 110. Then they came to their senses. “What am I doing?” they said to themselves. I’m too old for this!” and pulled over. The Trooper leaned in the window, looked at his watch, and said, “My shift ends in 20 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go without a ticket.” The driver paused, thinking, and then said, “Three years ago, my spouse ran off with a State trooper and I thought you were bringing them back.” Have a good day!
A Senior citizen was on the operating table, awaiting surgery. He had insisted that his son, a well-known surgeon, perform the operation his way. Before the anesthesia, he motioned to his son. “Yes. Dad. What is it?” “Just do your best, son; don’t be nervous…and remember, if I should die, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang and she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer. “It’s the Pastor, Mommy,” the little girl said. Then she added, into the phone, “Mommy can’t come to the phone right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read: “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents”
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear on the earth?” Her mother replied, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and their had children, and so on. And that’s how humans began.” A few days later, the confused girl returned to her mother and said, “How come you say humans came from God and Daddy says they came from apes?” “It’s really very simple, sweetie. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
God is tired, worn out. He speaks to St. Peter. “I need a vacation,” he says. “Got any suggestions?” St. Peter says, “How about Jupiter. It’s nice and warm on that planet this time of the year.” God shakes His head, saying, “No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.” St. Peter reflects. “How about Mercury?” “Too hot”, replied God. “I’ve got it!” says Peter, his face lighting up. “How about visiting Earth for a few millennia?” God said, “Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there and blessed a village girl, and they’re still going on about it.”
There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by, this spirit began to spill over into the worship service. The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we should all dedicate ourselves to God. The music director led the song, “I Shall Not Be Moved.” The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director led the song, “Jesus Paid It All.” The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led, “I Love to Tell the Story.” With all this going on, the preacher became totally disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The music director led, “Oh, Why Not Tonight.” As it came to pass, the preacher did resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus who was taking him away. The music leader led the song, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.”