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Heavenly Humor
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into trouble, asked him, “How do you expect to get into heaven?” The young boy thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ll just keep slamming the front door and running in and out until Saint Peter says, ‘For heaven’s sake, come in or stay out!’”
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The pastor was just ending his children’s sermon about heaven. After he prayed, he asked, “So kids, where do you want to go?” “Heaven!” the kids yelled. “And what do you have to be to get there?” asked the pastor. “Dead!” shouted a little boy.
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A family was having a fun day at the beach when the youngest child happened to notice a dead seagull lying in the sand. Heartbroken over the situation, the young child ran to her mommy and asked, “What could have happened to him?” Not sure what to say, her mother hesitated and then said, “He died and went to heaven, honey.”
This seemed to please the young girl for a moment but then she asked, “Did God throw him back down?”
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A doctor, a nurse, and the president of a health insurance company died and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asked the doctor, “What did you do on earth?”
The doctor replied, “I healed the sick and worked at a clinic so that if patients could not pay I would help them for free.” “You may enter,” said Saint Peter.
Then he asked the nurse what she did on earth. “I also helped heal the sick and volunteered my time at a free clinic,” she replied.
“What did you do on earth?” Saint Peter asked the third person. The man said, “I ran a large health insurance organization. I helped thousands of companies find cost-effective health care for their employees.” “Well, then,” Saint Peter replied, “You may go in… but you can only stay for three days.”
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Two eighty-year-old men had been friends since their Little League baseball days.
One of them came down with a terminal illness and his best friend was with him by his deathbed. “Will you do me a favor?” the healthy friend asked. “I’m hoping there is baseball in heaven. When you get there, can you find out and let me know somehow?”
The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for almost all of our lives. I will try and get your answer to you.” Several days after the old man’s death, his friend was sleeping when he had a vivid dream.
His lifelong friend appeared to him and said, “There is definitely baseball in heaven, my friend! The bad news is that you’re pitching on Wednesday.”
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The big-city denominational office had sent a female pastor to serve in an old country church—and the local elders were having a hard time accepting the new minister.
But they wanted to be gracious, so the board invited the pastor to join them on a fishing trip.
Once at the lake, the group got into a boat and motored out some fifty yards from shore when the pastor announced, apologetically, “I’m so sorry—I’ve forgotten my fishing rod.”
So she stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the bank, and picked up her equipment, and walked on the water back to the boat.
“Just like a woman,” one of the elders muttered. “Always forgetting something!”
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A noted evangelist arrived in a large city to hold a crusade. At a kick-off banquet his first night in town, he noticed some reporters in the audience.
The evangelist told the reporters that he’d be sharing some stories at the dinner that he planned to tell in his sermons the coming week. So as not to ruin the effect of the stories, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles the next day.
In the following day’s paper, a cub reporter described the dinner, concluding with this line: “The evangelist also told a number of stories that cannot be printed.”
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A church member went to the butcher’s shop one afternoon to pick up some salmon. “I want four big ones,” the man said.
“Just toss them to me.” The butcher looked strangely at the man. “Can’t I just wrap them up for you?” “No,” the customer replied. “If anyone from church asks me if I caught any fish today, I can truthfully tell them, ‘Yes, I caught four big ones!’”
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From a passenger ship, everyone could see a bearded man on a small island, who was shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is that man and why is he so upset?” a passenger asked the captain.
“I’ve no idea, but every year when we pass by, he goes nuts.”
* * *
Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager.” Customer: “I don’t have a P.”
Tech support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech support: “P . . . on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!”
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into trouble, asked him, “How do you expect to get into heaven?” The young boy thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ll just keep slamming the front door and running in and out until Saint Peter says, ‘For heaven’s sake, come in or stay out!’”
####
The pastor was just ending his children’s sermon about heaven. After he prayed, he asked, “So kids, where do you want to go?” “Heaven!” the kids yelled. “And what do you have to be to get there?” asked the pastor. “Dead!” shouted a little boy.
####
A family was having a fun day at the beach when the youngest child happened to notice a dead seagull lying in the sand. Heartbroken over the situation, the young child ran to her mommy and asked, “What could have happened to him?” Not sure what to say, her mother hesitated and then said, “He died and went to heaven, honey.”
This seemed to please the young girl for a moment but then she asked, “Did God throw him back down?”
####
A doctor, a nurse, and the president of a health insurance company died and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asked the doctor, “What did you do on earth?”
The doctor replied, “I healed the sick and worked at a clinic so that if patients could not pay I would help them for free.” “You may enter,” said Saint Peter.
Then he asked the nurse what she did on earth. “I also helped heal the sick and volunteered my time at a free clinic,” she replied.
“What did you do on earth?” Saint Peter asked the third person. The man said, “I ran a large health insurance organization. I helped thousands of companies find cost-effective health care for their employees.” “Well, then,” Saint Peter replied, “You may go in… but you can only stay for three days.”
####
Two eighty-year-old men had been friends since their Little League baseball days.
One of them came down with a terminal illness and his best friend was with him by his deathbed. “Will you do me a favor?” the healthy friend asked. “I’m hoping there is baseball in heaven. When you get there, can you find out and let me know somehow?”
The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for almost all of our lives. I will try and get your answer to you.” Several days after the old man’s death, his friend was sleeping when he had a vivid dream.
His lifelong friend appeared to him and said, “There is definitely baseball in heaven, my friend! The bad news is that you’re pitching on Wednesday.”
####
The big-city denominational office had sent a female pastor to serve in an old country church—and the local elders were having a hard time accepting the new minister.
But they wanted to be gracious, so the board invited the pastor to join them on a fishing trip.
Once at the lake, the group got into a boat and motored out some fifty yards from shore when the pastor announced, apologetically, “I’m so sorry—I’ve forgotten my fishing rod.”
So she stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the bank, and picked up her equipment, and walked on the water back to the boat.
“Just like a woman,” one of the elders muttered. “Always forgetting something!”
####
A noted evangelist arrived in a large city to hold a crusade. At a kick-off banquet his first night in town, he noticed some reporters in the audience.
The evangelist told the reporters that he’d be sharing some stories at the dinner that he planned to tell in his sermons the coming week. So as not to ruin the effect of the stories, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles the next day.
In the following day’s paper, a cub reporter described the dinner, concluding with this line: “The evangelist also told a number of stories that cannot be printed.”
####
A church member went to the butcher’s shop one afternoon to pick up some salmon. “I want four big ones,” the man said.
“Just toss them to me.” The butcher looked strangely at the man. “Can’t I just wrap them up for you?” “No,” the customer replied. “If anyone from church asks me if I caught any fish today, I can truthfully tell them, ‘Yes, I caught four big ones!’”
####
From a passenger ship, everyone could see a bearded man on a small island, who was shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is that man and why is he so upset?” a passenger asked the captain.
“I’ve no idea, but every year when we pass by, he goes nuts.”
* * *
Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager.” Customer: “I don’t have a P.”
Tech support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech support: “P . . . on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!”
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