A poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. “How could you do this!” he exclaimed. “I don’t know,” she wailed. “I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.’” “Well,” the pastor persisted, “you know how to deal with him! Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’” “I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said, ‘It looks great from back here, too.’”
A pastor loved telling stories to the children in his congregation. He’d call the children up to the front of the church, they’d sit on the floor, and he’d tell them a story. One day he said, “Boys and girls, I want to tell you a story about someone who likes to live in the woods, but sometimes we can see him in our own yard.
Anybody have any idea who I am talking about?” No takers. He said, “I want to tell you about a creature that lives in the woods and sometimes in our yards, has a big bushy tail, and likes to eat nuts. Anybody have any idea what I’m talking about?” No takers. He said, “I’m talking about a creature that lives in the woods, sometimes visits our yard, has a big bushy tail, eats nuts, likes to climb trees, and jumps from tree to tree.
Now does anybody know what I’m talking about?” Wanting to take the pastor out of his misery, a boy raised his hand. The pastor said, “Do you know what I’m thinking about?” “Well, I know the answer should be Jesus, but it sounds like a squirrel to me.”
A man was stranded on the proverbial desert island in the Pacific for years. One day when a boat came sailing into view, the man frantically waved and got the skipper’s attention. The boat landed on the beach, and the skipper got out to greet the stranded man. After a while, the rescuing sailor asked the castaway, “What are those three huts you’ve built?” The stranded man replied, “That first hut is my house.” “What’s that next hut?” asked the sailor. “I built that for my church.” “What about the third hut?” “Oh,” the castaway answered solemnly, “that’s where I used to go to church.
HYMN PROFESSIONS Here’s an old standby that’s worth sharing with a music director. Dentist’s hymn—”Crown Him With Many Crowns” Mender’s hymn—”Holy, Holy, Holy” Politician’s hymn—”Standing on the Promises” Shopper’s hymn—”In the Sweet By and By” Paramedic’s hymn—”Revive Us Again” Shoe repairer’s hymn—”It Is Well with My Soul” Librarian’s hymn—”Whispering Hope” Umpire’s hymn—”I Need No Other Argument” Golfer’s hymn—”There Is a Green Hill Far Away” IRS agent’s hymn—”I Surrender All” Gossip’s hymn—”Pass It On” Psychiatrist’s hymn—”Just a Little Talk With Jesus” Haberdasher’s hymn—”Blest Be the Tie” Dot-com sales hymn—”A Charge to Keep I Have” There’s a zillion more.
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. “Well, Dad,” said the boy, “I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.” “Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.” “I know, but I never thought he’d choose his big sister!”
Sales on top Two bowling teams, one made up of accountants and one made up of salespeople, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The accountants rode in the bottom of the bus. The salespeople rode on the top level. The team made up of accountants down below was having a great time when one of them realized that there was no noise coming from up above. One of the accountants went up to investigate. When he got to the top, he found all the salespeople frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. He asked, “What’s going on up here? We’re having a great time down below.” One of the salespeople looked up and answered, “Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!”
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 2. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 3. Conclusion: Eat what you like. It’s speaking English that’s killing you.
First Baptist Church has instigated a summer special day—Old Timers’ Sunday. This year farmer John Calver brought in his horse and carriage with a hand-lettered sign: “Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”
Little Tony was in his uncle’s wedding. As he came down the aisle during the ceremony, he carefully took two steps, then stopped and turned to the crowd. When facing the congregation he put his hands up like claws and roared loudly. So it went, step, step, turn, roar, step, step, turn, roar, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the congregation was near tears from laughing. By the time little Tony reached the altar, he was near tears too. When later asked what he was doing, the boy sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”