|
|
Heavenly Humor
"We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know: 00666 - Zip code of the Beast Route 666 - Highway of the Beast 666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast"
***
"One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, come along with me then.” “But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them along! And you, come with us too!” he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered. “Bring them as well!” They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem; the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”
* * *
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.
“In the neighborhood of $200,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years . . . say, a red Corvette?”
“Wow! Are you kidding?” “Yeah, but you started it.”
***
A father was asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” “Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” replied the boy’s father. His friend thought for a moment and responded, “That’s a rather strange ambition to have for a career.” “Well,” said the boy’s father, “he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
* * *
A sheriff walked into a saloon and said, “Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake? He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket.” The bartender said, “What’s he wanted for?” The sheriff said, “Rustlin’.
” * * * “
Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote, “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Do you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.
” * * *
At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other researcher replied. “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them. And third, there are some things even a rat won’t do.
” * * *
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
* * *
"A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and pair of running boards.”
The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards.
What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon.”
“Oh, OK!” said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”"
"We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know: 00666 - Zip code of the Beast Route 666 - Highway of the Beast 666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast"
***
"One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, come along with me then.” “But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them along! And you, come with us too!” he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered. “Bring them as well!” They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem; the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”
* * *
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.
“In the neighborhood of $200,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years . . . say, a red Corvette?”
“Wow! Are you kidding?” “Yeah, but you started it.”
***
A father was asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” “Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” replied the boy’s father. His friend thought for a moment and responded, “That’s a rather strange ambition to have for a career.” “Well,” said the boy’s father, “he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
* * *
A sheriff walked into a saloon and said, “Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake? He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket.” The bartender said, “What’s he wanted for?” The sheriff said, “Rustlin’.
” * * * “
Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote, “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Do you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.
” * * *
At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other researcher replied. “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them. And third, there are some things even a rat won’t do.
” * * *
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
* * *
"A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and pair of running boards.”
The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards.
What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon.”
“Oh, OK!” said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”"
|
|
|
|
